Anatomy of a Narcissist

 

Anatomy of a Narcissist .

One who loves himself is a narcissist .

All of us to an extent are so .

In fact we love others because it helps in loving ourselves or rather it benifits us .

Though this isn't so obvious to ourselves when we think it does suggest the possibility .

Most of us can love ourselves selflessly a very few can do that to others .

Why feel guilty of loving yourself ?

You are Gods greatest gift to yourself and all you are doing is to love the best what God gave you not your neighbour !

So don't have qualms over loving yourself .

Don't fall in guilt trip in loving yourself more .

In fact you will be doing good to all those you love too as aren't you caring more for what all those love the most ? 😁

You are by loving yourself doing a service to mankind you see .

On that note Iam closing as I just need to look into my inner mirror

Cho chweet Iam .🤣

The spirit of travelling

 

"The world is a book and those who dont travel read only a page said Agustine of Hippo .

To that extent i have read a small part of the book with much more to read

In my latest place in Sri lanka now i look back .

Memories of travel to me are like those wisps of snow that fell on my face like feathers in cold Cleveland during Christmas ,the snow took me back to the huddled cottage of warmth in the icy stillness of Patnitop peak in a CRPF quarters in Kashmir , or the stillness of the Dal lake in Srinagar ,not to forget the disappeared road into whiteness in our drive to Madhuri lake off Tawang in Arunachal pradesh where a lovely Madhuri Dixit frolicked with a handsome Shah Rukh in koyla and hence its name ,

Snow reminds me of the Rohtang pass where i tried my skiing only to land up doubled in the jeep with a splitting headache and nausea due to altitude sickness or when we traversed in our hired four wheel drive on the highest motor able pass in Arunachal Pradesh where there was still reach of BSNL mobility and a tea shop with army officers huddled over a hot tea to warm insides .

Snow in the lty heights of mount Kailas during our praikrama along its stern granite sides clopping on a horse shivering with cold on a jiggling horse ,or the icy winds that blew over us in the 17000 feet Kedarnath temple as our helicopter landed ,the frigid stream where we dipped into the downstream yamuna and its hot springs at its mouth at Yamunotri,

cold and snow followed us into Bhadrinath temple , where later we saw the mystical Saraswati river giving a shiny glimmer before she disappeared deep into the bowels of my country to appear thousands of miles later at the Allahabad Triveni .

The very Triveni we went to have a dip amongst hundreds of lakhs of pilgrims in the maha kumbh mela itself or into the hallowed Ganga in Haridwar or the the oldest city in the world the Kasi or varanasi where burning embers of human flesh could waft its way to merge into the flowing river of life

Cold and snow reminded me of a clean but empty Norway or a Stockholm and its metro not to forget the city that straddled two continents Istanbul of Turkey where the Asia melded into Europe over the Bosporus ,the cold of the Syrian mountain tops its qauint cave monasteries where men still talked ancient Aramic as Jesus christ did 2018 years back .

The cold of a Vienna night when our tall fluted wine glasses clinked as we waited for the symphonic orchestra to begin in the schonbrunn palace .

The chill of the Barcelona streets or dusk in mediaveal Prague .

The cold in Beijing as we tucked into the famous Peking duck or in the French concessionare in fashionable Shangai .

The dip into the bowels of Paris as we hurried to reach the naughty show in champs de eleysee.

The stark rancidity of vodka hitting the gullet in a Vietnamese cruise or the street food of Penang or the mammak food of downtown Singapore not to forget the creepies and crawlies of a night street food of Taipei in Taiwan .

The happy times bar in Kuala lumpur when sipping on a margarita was only surpassed by sipping on a mojhito .

Or the sunny shacks in the beach in Bali or Goa where the froth of Beer in my glass was more than the surfing waves or that in Bondi beach in Sydney down under .

The heat of Delhi in summer where pure grape juice was sold at 17 rupees a glass and i thought it stinkingly costly or the streets of old Delhi with Karims beckoning .

The heat of eating a Biriyani in the paradise hotel in Hyderabad or tucking into homely samosa in Azad road in Secunderabad .

The cold of the Brooklyn Bridge in the big apple or the frigid Times square in December or that of a warm Manhattan cocktail to bring some warmth ,the windy Chicago was more than the cool breeze of Bratislava or the cold that hit one as we walked in the cobbled streets of Prague to be cheated by a money changer and become more wise or the gondolas of Venice leaning on their poles with their stylish hats into the cold waters that surrounded the media veal city the cold that hit us as we walked around Romes majestic Colosseum or the Vatican itself the holy see with its vast array of ancient art deep in its bowels preserved for posterity along with its secrets unrevealed while the cold of the Grand canyons which had shaped its stones or the cold machinations of money in the glittering casinos of Vegas ,could never beat the chikll of junganfraus top of Europe experience

The streets of pattayas humidity which espoused from its inherent sexuality akin to the hovels of kamathipoura in distant Mumbai or the yellow battered Ambassador taxis of kolkata and its rasgullas

The tropical greenery of Brunei Darussalam with its golden domes shimmering in the sun or the baking white sand dunes off

Al ain on way to the jebel hafeet mountain .

the humidity of my Cochin and Chennai to beat the hot sands of Thanjavur near the big temple to rival the thousand temples beauty of a Bali or the pixie eyed Vietnamese serving the hot pho a delight and sipping their hot vodka on a cruise down the river The cold of a Taiwan and the heat of a Singapore was different variations that evoked nostalgia while the Victoria peak in Hong kong was shiveringly cold not at all like kota kinabalu in western Malaysia or the Batu caves where i regularly shimmered up behind the huge Muruga statue and wheezed my way to ecstasy reminding me of the five times trek up sabarimala in my state or Palani in tamilnadu

,the cold of a munnar or kodaikanal or dharam sala or simla or ooty or coorg or the joy of seeing the distant trickle in jog falls or standing in the pouring gallons in kuttalam falls not to beat the sailing to the Vivekanada rock away from the diamond studded idol of the goddess Kanyakumari or the magnificence of a temple in Trivandrum or Guruvayoor or Thirupathi or in Puri the hundreds of qauint temples in te Himalayan foothills or the long trek to Nachiketa thal to reach an uninhibited pond after hours of trekking in a forest or the solitary climb up thriuvanamalai to experience a bliss which can never be explained and only equal to the walk over a rising tide in the Haji ali mosque of mumbai or the silvery sands of a Goa with its majestic Bom jesus cathedral or the jewish synagogue in the tiny lanes of mattancherry my home turf in cochin or teh hallowed precints of the altar in St Pauls of vatican where we lost ourselves to the sepulchral organ strains the sandy Cherai or a marina beach the casinos of Vegas or Macau or Singapore with their money making chips

The chugging of a Darjeeling train as it went around the batata loop or the blue toy train up Nilgiris or that of sim la the green lawns of a Viennese palace where we stood to the tunes of the schonbruns palaces ensemble over a glass of the finest wine

the wafting tune so of a street flutist in the heights of Athens bringing back the ghosts of history itself in the Aghora or the rhythmic cymbals and drums of my own state in theThripunithura temple with garrisoned elephants moving sedately with the God himself on them the dewed green floor of a Manandawadi estate or the shrill catcalls and dung of a lonely elephant up our paths in the Siruvani forests of patiyar gave us the same feel when we sidled up to thte rhinos in Assam's khaziranga reserves or to the simple out of this worldliness in a border town of Bhutan not to combat with the wetness of a chirapunjee or the golf club of Shillong or the Sikkimese Christmas dinner in cold Gangtok

The lapping waves in the rivulets of Venice where Gondolos leaned on convinient lamposts .

The taste of khara prasad in the holy Golden temple Amristar

As we moved through the fire temples of Azerbaijan or the mud volcanoes or walked through elegant Baku

The boom of the train in tje train street of Hanoi or the dragon bridge of Danang spewing fires

The hip deep snow in Cleavland or the freezing walk in Chicago rolling a suitcase or the setting sun in the valley of country homes in west virginias Charlstons or a December wind in New yorks Times squre over a drink in a Manhattan bar opposite the Empire state building or walking across the rockets of NASA in Hoston or the bars of New Orleans or NOLA the roads of Dallas Texan steaks or driving through the verdant undulations of cold Tasmania in late summer .

Standing in front of Buckingam palace or tucking into a chinese fried rice after a strenous walk in London or thinking of strawberries in Wimbledon or listening to Scortish pipes in Ediinburg or searching for the Loch ness monster in Scottish highlands touching feet of Shakespear in his home town Stratford on Avon .

( Places I have left out please excuse me )

London in 8 hours

London in Eight hours ...

Being driven and walking around 10000 feet .

Some cities are meant to be walked through ,London was ,

Its relatively narrow famous roads were clogged ( good word ) with tourists ,that going around in luxury buses with visitors was near impossible .

Parking was another impossible feat .

So when the chesire cat Mickey our amisble Chinese lady guide who hailed from Hong kong who kept smiling all the time told us

Hi folks lets adjust and hop over to Buckingam palace and follow it up with others ,shall we ?

And do take your totes and arrows and axes along , we idiots never realised we were asking for it .

Walk ...more than 8km to those with a 0.2 km pot belly .

A chilly 7 to 9 C with freezer winds on off passed sharp winds breezing us to thecbones , it was daunting feat but thanks to the sun who kept is warm .

So one smiled at the frozen gaurds ,at the moving horses , the clicking Chinaman , the grinning goobledeegook ,the smoky hot dog Italian chef , the lone musician ,the towering Gothic churches , their haunting bells ,

the Big ben the parliament sqaure the flowing Thames ( its broad deep shipping channel that brings big ships into interior

The London eye the Tower of London and its grotesques only because of the sun .

The sapping walk of the finale was to the British musem ,

After reaching its front using superhuman energy we found that the line went around almost another round .

The museum had thousands gaping at dead scrolls and wrapped mummies from Egypt and Mesopatomia and

A gallery for Japan courtesy Mitshubishi

one of Korea ,one on Egypt mesopatomia in its five floors

I always used to complain lack of basic facilities in tourist spots in India and kerala .

From now I will continue but realise most modern cities like London givd primitive facilities

Thev Thames cruise I skipped instead being sole passenger to the experienced lady driver Sharron getting a ringside view to historical roads to click pictures .

At 7 pm we checked into the luxuries of my room Mariott ..courtyard near London city Airport to hit the sack literally

 

Shakespeare

 At the feet of my manasa Guru .

ENTHARO MAHAANU BAVULU

Just like singers have thiers we writers too have great authors as our inspiration .

in April 2024 on a cool rainy afternoon when I was walking in Stratford Upon Avon birth place of William Shakespear the legendary writer artiste dramatist my hands went to his feet automatically for his blessings to my writing prowess .

In these days of AI when writing needs no skills people like me may just be one in a million but to me every word comes from my inside as I need no other intelligence other than mine .

Iam H.I... HARI INTELLIGENCE as far as writing is concerned .

From sex to sambhar pin to pistol you name it I can write in a jiffy on the move and publish it without revising it .

Every year one prize in school was ONLY for me in... essay writing .

I loved sitting in libraries for hours reading ecerything with an appetite of a starved man in a feast .

Compared to those days of frenzy my reading is literally non existent these days but those days are coming back like a clear stream of reason through my pen anytime I want now .

I had been requested to write for pamphlets souvenuirs webpages and speeches and its done with pleasure .

I had written more than a thousand letters to editors in past and many of my travelogues and health articles have been published in dailies here and abroad .

But Iam lazy to write a book .

Hope I do before it all ends ,but I still have plenty around in my blog or in social media if I dont , for my children to publish one after I go .

And Oscar goes to

 

My Reward ..

I get occasional rewards from my patients which to me is better than any Award .

I had recently taken up a metastatic rectosigmoid malignancy referred to me from another hospital who had plenty of issues .

 I saw him on Thursday in a wheelchair rolled into my consult room in Indira Gandhi coop hospital .

Dr ...he told me I havent eaten for few days as I cant swallow ,I have lot of pain in abdomen and back and I havent emptied my bowels for days .

All this are common in such patients .

His distended abdomen was firm so I was thinking of possibility of a sub acute intestinal obstruction ie the food doesnt move down due to obstruction in alimentary tract .

In advanced malignancy surgery to relieve it is not an option but no food by mouth ,IV fluids and medications give bowel the  rest it needs and it clears conservatively .

The other possibility was Acites ie fluid in Abdominal cavity which if confirmed by ultrasound of abdomen can be drained .

I ordered an USG abdomen and a plain x ray abdomen to look for obstruction.

USG confirmed moderate ascites .

Luckily the medical oncology physicians support my one man dept and they would do the tapping and taking care of patient as I would come only after weekend .

I admitted him and his fluids was drained by night more than 1600 ml .

The rest IV fluids and enema and medications made him much better and I was informed he has started taking soft diet .

Sorry for all these details .

These are routine for my Dr friends but Iam writing this as I wanted non medical people to know what we also do in palliative medicine .

Another lady admitted with advanced cholangiocarcinoma was sent by me for biliary duct stenting but since she had a cardiac comorbidity it was not done .

So palliative medicine is not just Morphine or end of life care or just tender loving pats or hugs .

Its judicious use of modern medicine to get the best qaulity of life for patient albeit not pinching his wallet too .

The best part of the story is  I called up patient yesterday and told him I could discharge him today but he told me 

Doctor first of all let me thank you for relieving me of pain ,relieving  my bowels and  my swelling abdomen and making me eat well .

Iam a happy man and I dont want discharge till you come back and I see you again and I can wait any time for that.

And I got my oscar and nobel prize together thus .

Film reviews..Avihitam and Bharatanatyam

 Avihitham ( illegal  Affair ) and Bharatanatyam 

Malayalam films review .

Only in malayalam can they take films with such taste ,simple story laced with intelligent humour without crutches of costly actors made in a shoestring budget and with every single actor doing his role to perfection and at end of film making us happy and satisfied .

Think in that sense Malludom is like ISRO consistently creating waves at minimal costs but maximal use .

Of course Mallu films too have got into the big star crores mega films cycle but the soul of it lies in topics of daily life blended to its soil culture and language with no pretensions .

Two films I would recommend to all are

Bharatanatyam ( Amazon prime ,Manorama max ) and Avihitham just released in Jio hotstar .

Bhatanatyam is a simple story of a family whose respected head is revealed to have a hidden side and family unknown for years and his illness brings them home !

How the elder son manages to hide all this from the nosy friends and neighbours and how one of them does detective work to prove his point of something strange in the house and how family fears the new wife and son have returned to claim the wealth and what happens after the man who caused all this died .

Its a laugh riot and a feel good film .

Avihitham again focuses on another mallu habit of snooping into others to expose affairs as a community .

moral policing by mallus is a realtime hobby .

Here too military strategies are made to catch culprits in a clandestine affair from an unexpected family lady and it all results in a surprising anti climax with a nice message to the community itself .

Real fun

watch both films.

Palliative medicine

 Iam a part time consultant in Palliative medicine 

( I prefer this label than Palliative care as today its diluted by volunteerism and tender loving care alone at times with medicine becoming a poor second ) .

There are many who can do TLC and good too it is so , specially in Kerala where most know about it and are willing to be part of it which is appreciable .

But to me with more than two or more decades in Onco hematology in India and abroad and my passion in chronic pain management specially in onco Palliative medicine ,  I want to focus on my skills and experience to be useful to my patients .

Though I go to Indira Gandhi Cooperative Hospital only three days a week ( I wanted it so at this time of my career ) 

 I look forwards to what I can do in those three days .

I still am in the benign shadow of a great physician  Dr VP Gangadharan Sir reknowned  medical onco hematologist and one who mentored me though now am  indepently in my speciality .

I can still walk over to his chamber to get his suggestions on patients of his and others .

To me a day in OP though not as busy as other leading consultants of the hospital is full and intresting .

I start off with my rounds of say 3 or 4 or 6 patients poring over thier files .

To me the diagnosis management complications in the file or EMR is easy to grasp by second nature and I can deduce what next for the patients well being for a best qaulity of life with  least expense .

My communication skills honed by time and study is useful to make them and family face the truth .

I use it to bring down anxiety and explain with honesty whats to be known .

Though often in my field disease progression is a reality the armamentarium I have in these times of referral to other specialists for palliative  Radiation at times surgery or palliative chemo or interventional pain management physio or occupational therapy to help in my aim of holistic well being of patient  using latest tech but only useful ones at least cost  .

Financial toxicity is a reality too .

As my field is low cost I use tests sparingly but dont shirk from using it when needed .

let me give some examples .

The Rotary club central Cochin has a scheme to help palliative dept in our hospital .

Apart from the ward they built they also reimburse cost of Fentanyl patches a costly pain reliving narcotic opioid .

This is great help to my patients who need it but cant afford it .

Yesterday I got a happy message from H ....with metastatic renal carcinoma that he just got all his Fentanyl bills reimbursed .

This has been going  on for last 3 years thanks to VPG Sir who was instrumental to its start and Vinu the points person involved in its sanction .

I also advise patients in need to get corporate help and in the many schemes of Govt specially the one by the  center the above  70 years senior citizens  PM Abay scheme of insurance upto 5 lakhs for all senior citizens of any îcome which includes pre existing diseases too .

Kerala never publicises such useful  central schemes .

its all politics

I dont know how selfishness can make people deny to the needy !

I tell families to apply to MP s health grants and avail railway and now KSRTC concessions .

My years of being a part of a NGO in my late daughters name has made me well versed to know the schemes available by our state itself .

Cochin cancer society of which am a part does so much like free stay in Snehaganga its resident  complex in Ernakulam for temporary treatment purposes where admission to hospital is not needed .

At times the happiness that comes from the relief of pain and other symptoms  of patients on admission or as outpatient is the best reward for me .

A 14 year old Nasopharyngeal carcinoma with blinding headache and facial pain smiling and  telling me after I saw her previous day

 Dr  I slept well last night 

makes me the happiest man on that day .

 I know once she is completes her treatment she would do much better .

But same could not be said of many of my patients now or in past.

I have fond memories of smiling and crying children of many ages and adults too over time .

Recently We just convinced a 80 year old colon malignancy patient whose family was not for any active treatment initially to get it investigated and finding she had an early stage malignancy with possible complete cure they agreed for surgery done sucessfully and well .

This is where oncology knowledge gives one an edge .

This is the advantage of working in a hospital with excellent  consultants in all fields so we can function as a team for the best of patient .

To me the 70 year old tall lanky advanced lung malignancy is a familiar figure last three years where I have been managing his pain as his cancer raced to his nerve plexuses and bones and we gave him radiotherapy , nerve blocks, chemotherapy ,and all possible pain medications 

He still smiles at me though now emaciated and terminal and I know his time is short .

Or the child I saw recently with an unfortunate sof tissue sarcoma occupying all her pelvis with so much pain she could only sit as lying down was painful .

We could to a small extent releive her with  opiods plus other analgesics , special cushions to spare pressure on her gluteal region though her disease is inoperable by extent and radioresistant sadly .

Many more such  experiences I can put here .

At times like this I do get annoyed with the power above harming such innocents while sparing the devils among us .

My speciality is humbling satisfying and fills me with gratitude .

To me a smile from my sufferers is the Oscar award I would never  recieve and am happy Iam a Palliative medicine consultant .

with every day an awakening .

Udaipur

 2020 February end ....

Udaipur the city of lakes a real jewel in the state of Rajasthan

It was  founded in 1559 by Maharana Udai Singh I and surrounded by the beautiful Aravalli mountains .and offers stunning views especially at sunset . 

The palaces reflect the architectural grandeur prevailing during the period of Rajputs and the scenic landscape is descriptive of how nature could be generous where it chooses to be. 

Jagdish temple built in 1651 an Indo-Aryan architectural marvel is dedicated to Lord  Vishnu  .

One can see beautiful wall carvings, and elephant sculptures 

The Lake palace is situated on the banks of Pichola Lake and is a blend of European, Medieval and Chinese styles of architecture. 

Another man made wonder in the city dominated by nature, Lake Pichola is surrounded by huge hills, magnificent palaces, temples and bathing ghats.

Jagmandir or Lake Garden Palace is said to have served as an inspiration for the Taj Mahal when Shah Jahan took refuge here in his younger days. 

This palace has a long history and is considered one of the symbols of friendship between the Mughals and Rajputs.

Octopussy the Bond Roger Moore starrer was shot at Monsoon Palace, Lake Palace, Jag Mandir, Fateh Sagar Paal and Pichola

Rajasthan or Rajputana as it was called before India got freedom is known the world over for its forts and more for its opulent palaces .

Unlike many erstwhile royal kingdoms the palaces are still owned by the royal families who had converted many into palace hotels and maintained well .

Most Goverment owned palaces have been lost to decay ,pilfering and poor maintenance .

 A garland given to a monkey is bound to be so .

Amongst the palaces the most remarkable and recent one is the palace complex in Udaipur the city of lakes .

It was built 500 years back over 3 generations of its Mahranas .

Udai singh II wanted to move way from Chitor as it was less safer to protect from enemies and Mughal emperor Akbar was repeatedly attacking too.

He asked a learned hermit about where to locate his new palace .

Udaipur was on banks of a huge lake called Pichola and was surrounded by forests and Aravalli mountain ranges .

So it was protected by nature .

Hermit blessed king to build his palace there 

So arose the Udaipur city palace ,the Jag mandir palace and Jagvilas the summer palace which today is Taj lake palace hotel .

The city palace itelf was huge at different floors and sprawled out interconnected by corridors halls courtyards etc .

Walking across it and climbing its floors were hard to knees so my wife vetoed it so i went alone ..

The huge gates of palace were called pols .

The main gate opened into tripol later hathi pol .

Today the main building is a well preserved museum which showcases art ,life,battles,of the royals .

Across lake pichola wedid go to jagmandir but not to jagvilas hotel ..

Some pictures